It's unbelievable.
[laughter]
[upbeat jazz music]
♪
Subtitles & Sync By FridayToker
Ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Black.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Yeah, wait.
You're... no, you're starting to freak me out.
Thank you.
All I can say is, it must have been a really shitty winter.
This is more than I can handle.
But it is always good to be back in Minneapolis, you know?
[cheers and applause]
But I've got to say that, uh,
to be honest, you're more excited to see me,
than I've ever been to see myself.
This is a fun evening for you.
I have to live with this shit every moment,
and it's fucking exhausting.
You know, every morning I get up
and stumble into the bathroom and brush my teeth,
and eventually I have the courage to open my eyes
and look in the mirror, and I go, "Fuck!"
"You again?"
Before we, uh...
before we continue, I just want to take a moment
to warn those of you in the crowd this evening
that have really never seen my comedy.
'Cause this could be a long night for you.
I..
[cheers and applause]
I know...
I know that you're out there.
You sneak in.
You've had friends of yours who said, "Hey, come along."
This will really be a lot of fun."
You just may need to find new friends.
And I'm sure there's a website where you can do that.
Then of course there's those of you who've seen me on YouTube,
and on any... Comedy Central...
any of the things that are out there
that you can catch me on,
and you think from those bits and pieces you know my comedy,
and you don't!
Finally of course there are those of you who read the paper,
saw somewhere that a comedian
was coming to the State Theatre,
and wouldn't that be a fun night out?
You're fucked.
The discourse in this country has completely disintegrated
in the past few years
and has really reached the point where,
when I listen to both sides,
what I actually hear are dogs barking.
I'm serious... I wish they just brought out dogs
to bark at each other,
and a different breed every week.
You know,
[barking noises]
It would be great.
But as a result of that discourse going to hell,
I have discovered that members of the audience,
during my set, will actually get up
and storm out of the room,
and that pisses me off!
Because in my heart, I am an entertainer,
and that kind of shit will not go down with me.
But then I began to understand
that people, when they come to see me,
they're coming to see a comic,
and so they expect
the comic to be funny,
and who can blame them for that?
But I really am a different kind of a comic.
A lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth isn't fucking funny,
and yet, people laugh their tits off at it.
So if you're sitting there,
and I say something that upsets you, disturbs you,
irritates you, angers you,
don't you dare... I mean, don't you dare...
get out of your seat and storm out of the room
like some sissy fucking pansy.
You sit there,
because I have just wasted some of my time with you
explaining to you that I agree with you.
[cheers and applause]
Another way I could put this is that we...
I was recently performing in Wendover, Nevada.
I can tell by your stunned silence,
you don't even know what I'm talking about.
There really is a city; It's called Wendover.
Yes, it's in Nevada.
How did you miss it?
And it takes an entertainer with a lot of courage
to end up in Wendover.
I like to perform in places
that nobody in their right fucking mind would go to,
and I love Wendover,
and the reason you haven't heard of it
is because it's a shithole.
No, you know a place is a shithole
when the people who live there have nicknamed the place.
So you say, "Great to be in Wendover,"
and they go, "No, Bendover."
It's truly in one of my top three places to kill yourself.
If you're thinking of suicide,
you may want to hop about six planes
to get there tomorrow,
and what you will see is
seven casinos, trailer parks as far as the eye can see,
no foliage... no foliage anywhere!
And you will take a good look around
and realize that there's nothing
to distract you from your mission.
You'll hop right to it.
Or it may work to your advantage.
You'll take a look around and go, "Wow."
I thought my life was shitty."
Wendover is located right... and I mean right...
smack dab on the border of Utah.
Now, why would they build seven casinos
on the border of Utah?
Hmm?
Who lives there?
Mormons and people in the witness protection program.
So they built it so that Mormons could sneak in to gamble.
And I saw them, as night was falling,
coming over the hills in their covered wagons.
If you're looking for a newspaper
that you can read every day
and feel absolutely great when you finish it,
it's The Wendover Times.
It has no news.
None.
I don't even know why they call it a newspaper.
It just should be called paper
or el papel, if you will.
They... they had a picture of me
on the front page.
I guess to warn the good people of Wendover
that a Jew had arrived in town...
and so there might be sarcasm in the area.
They said, about my comedy,
that "he is known for his comedy style,"
which often includes mental breakdowns."
[cheers and applause]
That's... that's certainly a press clipping
you want to send home to Mom.
Who were they trying to attract to the theatre?
The clinically insane?
Someone who's been locked up for years
'cause they have 16 personalities?
They get a copy of The Wendover Times.
"Look who's coming to town. Lewis Black, I love...
"He's a piece of shit.
"I've never liked that son of a bitch.
"Hey, everybody calm down.
I think it's time for lunch."
That argument could go on for weeks.
So if at any point during my act,
I pull out a kazoo and shove it up my ass
and begin playing The Star-Spangled Banner,
you have nothing to worry about.
It's all just a part of my act.
As I've grown older,
each year I've dropped holidays from my calendar
that I don't think apply any more.
And this year, I'm proud to say
that I dropped Valentine's Day.
[cheers and applause]
Now, let's get it... clear things up.
I'm not saying we shouldn't have a holiday of love,
just not in fucking February!
It doesn't belong there. It does not belong there.
And if you ladies want this holiday...
because it's your holiday.
We're not gonna even argue about that, are we?
Because if you don't realize
that men don't give a shit about it...
and they don't,
and if your husband is telling you that he does,
then you have tortured him
like some kind of prisoner of war.
It's February.
The holiday doesn't belong in February.
When should we celebrate it?
In the spring,
when a man can feel his nuts again.
It's February.
It's the most depressing month of the year.
How do we know that?
Because we made it shorter,
and it still seems fucking longer.
Sometimes it's endless.
Why would you pick the most depressing month of the year
to remind many people...
they're alone?
It's six weeks
after Christmas.
Really?
Are you kidding me?
Didn't I just buy you a splendid
pile of shit?
I spent months putting it together.
Going to speciality stores. I got online.
Went to the mall to make sure you got everything
your little heart desired,
and I wrapped each and every one of them,
'cause I didn't want to have that fucking argument again.
[cheers and applause]
It's not a-a-a present
unless you wrap it.
You said they were the nicest gifts you'd ever received.
You said it was
the most wonderful Christmas of your life.
And now, six weeks later,
you have the balls
to come to me and say,
[moaning]
"it wasn't enough."
Well, my little gumdrop,
I've got a surprise for you.
Go fuck yourself!
[cheers and applause]
It's February.
It's the height of flu season.
"Honey, do you love me?"
[coughing]
"I'll tell you when I can get the hawk out of my throat."
"We're gonna go to a really nice restaurant, aren't we?
And have a really romantic meal?"
"Oh, yeah."
"We're gonna go to the nicest restaurant on the planet,"
"because money's no object,"
“cause that's how much I love you.
"And we're gonna do that
"when I can get to the car...
without shitting my pants!"
Happy Valentine's Day.
[cheers and applause]
I, um...
I had a revelation the Christmas before last.
It occurred when a terrorist
got on a plane with explosives
strapped around his dick!
And his mission was to blow up...
Detroit.
Uh...
I was waiting.
Some of you didn't seem to get that that was the punchline.
I mean, he'd have been hard-pressed
to find a building left to blow up.
It's unbelievable to me.
I wondered for a long time,
you know, why Detroit?
And it was just recently revealed
that he was planning
on going to Houston or Chicago,
but that the ticket to Detroit was cheaper.
As frightening as that was, just as frightening
was what occurred right afterwards.
It occurs whenever there's a terrorist threat or attack.
The T.S.A... Homeland Security... has a breakdown.
It's the debate
that goes on between the Democrats and the Republicans
over which party
is better equipped to protect us,
the American people,
from terrorism.
If you truly believe
that your party...
after all that has transpired...
that you believe that your party
is better-equipped than the other party
to protect us from terrorism,
then you... and I'm saying this as a friend...
are fucking delusional!
There's nothing to be debated.
Okay?
You better fucking get that now.
If you... if you don't get this...
if you don't realize that both parties
have a vested interest
in keeping us, the American people, alive,
then you've missed the point.
They need us to keep living
so that those idiots
will have someone to fucking talk to,
because if we die,
they will only have themselves to talk to,
and then they will die.
What has to happen
when something like that occurs
is that both parties have to then
go off together and discuss what needs to be done.
If they really, desperately, need to debate,
then each party should pick someone
to tell us which of them has the better nipples.
We don't have time for that debate.
Why?
Because we Americans have shit to do.
[cheers and applause]
it's... look, the...
the reason I know that neither party is better-equipped
than the other party in terms of protecting us,
is because both parties
were to blame for what happened on that day,
and how do I know that?
Because of a...
and now I'm gonna say a word
that's gonna come as a shock to you.
I know it because of a...
fact.
That's a word you never hear.
Democrats and Republicans believe that what they tell you
about the fact is actually the fact itself,
and it isn't a fucking fact!
The fact is...
the fact is, is that both parties were to blame
because neither parties,
in the 8 'I, - "2 years from 9,-" I 1
were capable of getting the list of names
of all of the terrorists and the would-be terrorists
to all of the airports in the world.
They... they just couldn't do it.
I don't think you understand
how long 8 'I, -"2 years really is, do you'?
Imagine if your child
came back from college
and then spent the next 8 'I, -"2 years with you.
It would even feel like 20, wouldn't it?
8 'I, -"2 years.
Meanwhile, during that time,
cell phone companies were capable
of turning my cell phone into a fucking television set!
But the Democrats...
and the Republicans couldn't get it out.
They just couldn't get it done.
It was too hard!
Makes me squeeze my pee-pee, that's how hard it was.
What, did they... did the fuckers run out of mimeo paper?
There was nobody around to collate?
8 'I, -"2 years ago
I could've gotten a barge
and taken it to the harbour of New York City,
where I live, and in that barge,
I could've filled it up with donkeys
stem to stern, packed with donkeys,
and on the back of each and every donkey
would be a list of the names of all the terrorists...
or would-be terrorists... and I could've
pushed that barge away from shore,
and I believe that in that 8 'I, -"2 years
one of those donkeys, just by accident,
would've stumbled into an airport somewhere.
[cheers and applause]
The other reason that I know that both parties were to blame
"is because neither the Democrats nor the Republicans"
or anyone that we have, um, that we have hired,
whose job it is on a daily basis to come up with scenarios
over what a terrorist might do... that nobody,
nobody within the borders of the United States,
at any time had the thought
that there would be a terrorist with explosives
strapped around his dick!
And that he would try to blow up Detroit.
Maybe the homeless guy on my block...
who wears aluminium foil on his head
in order to protect himself from electromagnetic waves...
and who among us can blame him for that...
maybe on his rounds, he stopped
at a fire hydrant and went,
"You know, I have it on good authority
"that there's a terrorist with explosives
"strapped around his dick,
"and he's gonna blow up Detroit.
Don't tell anybody."
Since 9,-"I 1, it is harder for us
to focus on terrorism, which is why it's important
that the Democrats and the Republicans do their job.
It's harder for us because we've become more distracted.
There are distractions everywhere.
It doesn't help to say to us,
"You, the American people, keep an eye out."
What? We're not?
And a lot of people, when they see something odd,
think, like, especially in your state,
in Minneapolis, 'cause you guys empathize
with fucking anything.
It's... seriously, how else do you elect Michele Bachmann?
[cheers and applause]
"Oh, I-I know... I know she sounds crazy,
but maybe it's just me."
I mean, it doesn't help us
when some of the guidelines that seem to be out there
are things like, when you go to the airport,
and you're travelling internationally,
and they say, uh, "Did a stranger pack your bags?"
How does that help you find a terrorist?
Because if the person answers yes,
you've learned one thing:
That person is fucking out of their mind.
"Oh, yeah, I got out the phone book,
"and I... I'm so tired of packing myself.
"And I just flipped to a page and closed my eyes,
"and they came right over,
"and they do a nice thing with socks,
and I finally learned how to fold my T-shirts."
We are distracted.
You explain how it's possible
that I don't watch the Jersey Shore ever,
and yet I know the names
of all the people on that show.
[cheers and applause]
I don't think that's right.
Even if I didn't have a television or an internet
or a cell phone, or any other way
that I could be communicated with about... about them...
if I had none of those, I would still know the names
of two of them.
Just by walking into a book-store,
which is where I saw that Snooki and JWoww
had both written books.
What kind of fucking names are Snooki and JWoww?
What adult names their child after a snack treat?
I'm in a book-store.
Faulkner.
Hemingway.
Tolstoy.
Jwoww! Snooki?
Are you shitting me?
Makes me...
makes me pine for Wendover.
Another way that we're distracted
is that many Americans
spend a lot of time
downloading apps... or applications...
into their phone,
and they want to get just the right amount
so that they will feel like a whole person.
I can tell by the puzzled look on some of your faces
that you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
That's 'cause I'm really cutting-edge.
If you don't know what an app... or an application... is,
when you get home tonight, I want you to get down
on your hands and knees
and thank whatever god it is that you pray to
for the fact that you don't know what an application is.
Because...
[cheers and applause]
Because...
you will maintain a portion of your brain
that will serve you in good stead until the day you die.
But some of you out there better watch
just how many applications
you're downloading into your phone,
because I believe there is a critical mass
that you will reach,
and when you do that,
that part of your brain will die!
And you will lay in bed at night and go,
"Whoo. I didn't have a thought today."
One of the, uh...
one of the most popular applications that there is
is the... the... and there's a variety
of people who put them out...
it's the application that allows you to tap into your phone
the following:
"Where is the best place to eat sushi in this neighbourhood?"
And your phone will tell you.
I believe, if you're standing on any block in America,
and you're asking an inanimate object,
where's the best place to get raw fish,
you've lost your fucking mind.
I know about losing one's mind, because when I was younger,
I took LSD just to prepare me
for the technological revolution.
I-I would never tell anyone to try LSD.
It is not a drug you suggest to people.
It scared the shit out of me,
because for 30 minutes while on it,
I lost my name.
That's right.
It's a lot different than forgetting your name.
If you forget your name, it's still in here.
You may find it.
If you lose your name, it's out there.
It could be anywhere, and you may need
to buy a plane ticket to go find it.
And you can't turn to your friends,
'cause they're on LSD.
They're having a cosmic conversation about something,
and you can't bust in and go,
"Holy shit!
Do any of you remember my fucking name?"
Because then they will try to remember your name,
and they will forget their name,
and now none of you have names,
and you will never get home again.
30, uh... 30 minutes.
If you lost your name for 30 minutes
by just, you know, real time... the watch...
that would be staggering.
But 30 minutes in LSD time...
is 27 years,
during which, apparently, I was given a medal for valour
for my service in World War ll,
and oddly enough, I wasn't even born then.
Then I remembered I had a wallet.
Son of a bitch, was I clever.
I reached for it, and just before I opened it,
I panicked.
I thought, "Holy fuck."
What if there's nothing in there but Monopoly cards?"
As crazy and as far gone as I was at that point in time,
it never occurred to me
to turn to the rotary phone and say, "Hey."
"Do you know where the best place
to eat raw fish is in this town?"
[cheers and applause]
There are a variety of applications that you can buy
that will give you that information.
People download it,
and they think they know where the application came from,
and they don't.
Because where was it downloaded from?
From the air.
You don't know who wrote the application,
and yet you're following it.
It's probably some grad student
living in Wisconsin, who needs ten bucks and hour
and who's spending half the day masturbating.
"Oh, yeah, son of a bitch.
I'll tell you where you can find sushi, asshole."
Meanwhile, people are walking all around you,
and they actually live in the neighbourhood.
You could ask ten of them,
and then you could go eat at the sushi place,
and if you don't like it, you know who told you,
and you can beat the shit out of them.
There's only one application that I really want.
I need it.. I need..
I need it for when I'm at the airport,
because I spend way too much time there,
and it's...
it... it... it doesn't work out well for me.
I believe, when you read in the paper about me,
it'll be something to the effect of,
"Noted Comedian Found Shitting on Conveyor Belt."
I just want you to think kindly of me.
Because I can't handle it. I can't.
I'm there too much,
and when you have to... on an almost daily basis...
watch people who are flying out of the airport
who maybe take a trip once or twice a year
and just don't get it, where you hear questions like,
"Well, um, why can't I bring my lawnmower?
I left the gasoline at home."
The T.S.A. Is bombarded with people
on a daily basis, and all I want to do is help them out.
I think the federal government should download
the list of names of all the terrorists
and would-be terrorists...
and their photos, if they have them...
or, if they're on Facebook, even better!
Because you can never have too many friends.
So that I can sit there and keep an eye out
for these bastards.
But... you know, um,
right after... after the terrorist with the explosives
strapped around his dick... and let me just say,
I would've liked to have been a fly on the wall
when they convinced him to blow his dick off.
Seriously.
That is a seminar.
Tony Robbins, my ass.
Right after that occurred,
they finally brought into the airports the body scanner.
That seemed to upset people,
and I felt it was an important step,
because somebody could show up with a wick
coming out of their dick
and a bomb up their ass.
That's a scenario.
I thought of it.
It's a scenario.
Because that body scanner takes a picture of you naked
just for an instant,
and that upset a lot of Americans.
I'm at the airport too much.
I don't give a fuck if... naked, I don't give a shit.
I... are you kidding me?
Anything that gets me through that line fucking faster.
Three years after 9,-"I 1... three years...
I knew all the members of the T.S.A.
At my airport in Newark,
and so finally, I just finally went to them and said,
"Look, can we cut a deal here?
If I show up naked, can I skip the line?"
[cheers and applause]
Now...
there's a group of people who are also upset by this scanner.
Because in order to take that picture of you,
you get a little radiation,
and that worries some folks,
and I know it 'cause I can hear them discussing it
on their cell phones.
At what point... at what point don't you get it?
A little radiation scares you?
How the fuck do you go to a dentist?
The dentist says, "Uh, we're gonna X-ray your teeth."
We're gonna give you a little radiation."
And then him and the assistant
leap and hide behind a lead bunker.
Now...
I used to have an iPhone.
And it was a great computer.
It was in no way a phone,
because the carrier was AT&T, and AT&T is a carrier
in much the same way as a mosquito carries malaria.
[cheers and applause]
I'd been better off with a Dixie cup and a string.
I finally took it over to the Apple store
to see if there was something they could do.
And, um...
let me just say, if you're interested
in what life is like on other planets,
you're gonna want to get to the Apple store.
They are not of us.
[speaking softly] They have no genitals.
[mouthing words]
It's why they stand so close.
They're sniffing you.
It's how they get their data.
Yes, it is.
So I was standing in the Apple store,
and a capon came up to me.
"I see you have an iPhone.
How many applications have you downloaded into your phone?"
[sniffing]
"Well, I haven't downloaded any."
"I came here to see if you had an app"
"that would turn this piece of shit into a fucking phone!"
"Now, if you can do me a favour and start running,
I want to see if it works as a missile."
John Bowman... my good friend and a great comic...
told me this story.
He went to the Apple store to do some business,
and he gave the woman... the saleslady...
a credit card.
And she looked at it, and she went,
"John Bow-man."
He said, "Uh, no, it's John Bo-man."
And she said, "John Bow-man.”."
They know.
They know better than we do.
I live six blocks from Times Square.
I live in the heart of New York City.
And this phone...
[scattered applause]
this phone...
would not work in my apartment.
My conversations were like,
[garbled speech]
This is how fucked up I was:
I bought a land-line so I could keep my fucking phone.
I broke with AT&T when they announced that you could buy...
for your home... a transmitter for $200.
A $200 transmitter so that you could help AT&T
build the infrastructure you thought you were getting
when you bought the piece of shit.
[cheers and applause]
I don't think... we don't know, do we,
what a cell phone does to us?
Imagine what a transmitter will do
I believe that your shit will be glowing in a week.
"Honey, have we been eating phosphorus?"
Here's the kicker:
AT&T is then gonna charge you $12 a month
to use the transmitter you already bought from them,
so that AT&T successfully turned your cell phone
back into a fucking land-line, asshole.
I finally went down to AT&T and quit.
And you can't. You can't quit a contract.
Okay? Don't even fucking try it.
You quit your contract,
they will find you and shoot you in the leg.
So I went down to Verizon,
and I got myself a Droid.
[cheers and applause]
Don't you ever...
ever
applaud an inanimate object again.
I believe
that's why they have that section about the golden calf...
in the Bible.
What did you think I was gonna do,
launch into some commercial for this?
"Oh, yeah. I couldn't be happier.
"When I got my Droid, it changed my life.
"Three days later, I accepted Christ into my heart
as my one true saviour."
[cheers and applause]
And Droid is the one with the Jesus app.
Even if you get rid of it,
every Easter Sunday he comes back again.
When I first got the Droid, I was as happy as you folks,
who still are happy.
Not me... I mean, at first I was very happy about it.
It's a great phone and a tremendous computer,
and when you turned it on, it said its name.
[in robotic voice] "Droid."
I keep it here in my pocket.
I wish it would say,
[in robotic voice] "Groin."
Then I'd always know where it is.
I don't think it's really smart to keep a phone this large
and a screen that big right next to your nut sack.
I believe my sperm are dying.
I hear them weeping every morning.
"Son of a bitch, Lew. It's hot as hell down here.
"God damn it, it's like the sun is out 24 hours a day.
"Get us some water.
"I don't think we're gonna make it
to the top of the hill again."
The Droid is unbelievable.
Because it actually has a series of panels.
You just touch the phone like this... like fucking magic...
and a new panel would appear with all sorts of icons on it.
They do all sorts of things.
I-I don't even know what half of those fucking icons do,
and I'm not gonna touch one I don't know,
because I don't want to enter an alternative universe.
A few days after my warranty expired,
so did the fucking phone.
It froze on Visual Voice Mail,
and I could not use the phone any more
to make calls.
I believe that my phone was trying to torment me.
Here are all the people you have to call,
And you can't.
[laughs]
I took it down to the folks at Verizon.
They said, "Mm, been having trouble with that phone?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, to be honest"... and I'm quoting...
"we've been having some trouble with the Droid."
And you fucking sold it to me!
"Well, we can fix it.
We have a download."
"Oh, you do? Here."
"Let me put it here."
"Is that where you're gonna shit on it?"
They were not happy with me.
They took the phone from me and put it on a life-support system.
And it...
it died.
But then, in just a few minutes,
it started to come back to life,
and the colours were brighter than I remembered.
"Oh, my god. They've brought it back.
They've given me my Droid back."
I immediately hit one of the text icons
to be sure that I could tell my friends
I was back in communication,
but nothing showed up about texting.
What showed up was all of my email.
Pretty fucking strange.
Then I hit the email icon,
and my emails didn't show up.
What showed up was a face of some big-headed guy,
some... a-a Facebook... it was his Facebook page.
He wasn't even my fucking friend.
I wasn't his friend.
Did my phone want me to communicate with him?
I decided, "You know, I just want to use it as a phone."
That'll be fine."
And so I tapped in the first three numbers of my call,
and Visual Voice Mail came up.
The gentlemen from Verizon
who were looking over my shoulder said,
"Wow. That really is a piece of shit."
"We're gonna give you a new phone."
"No, you're not."
"I don't think you realize what's happened here today."
"This is historic."
"MY phone my Phone,"
"is beginning to exhibit signs of free will."
"I have to learn to communicate with it."
"I don't have children,"
and this could be my last chance.
"I'm gonna raise this little son of a bitch,"
"and he's gonna be great,"
"and I'm gonna call him... 'Groin'."
[cheers and applause]
I am old.
I used to think it had to do with the calendar.
It doesn't.
It's something you know.
It's something that happens. You... it's...
you're young, you're young, you're young,
and then you wake up one day,
and you're fucking old!
Are you shitting me?
Two slices of mushroom pizza,
and it's come to this.
Nothing irritates me more
than when I'm watching a celebrity on TV
who's about my age, and they go, "You know,"
I just turned 64, and I've never felt better in my life."
Really, douche bag?
This is the best you've ever felt?
What was your childhood like?
Did you have polio and they kept you in an iron lung
until you were 21?
And then when you got out, they covered you with ticks,
and your parents just got the last one off yesterday?
I don't know what you see when you look in a mirror,
but I'm looking at you,
and you look like shit!
You've got ten hairs, and three are coming out of your nose.
You got a gizzard on you that makes me think
that a turkey's gonna be fucking you in the ass.
I know why you've never felt better in your life.
You have Alzheimer's.
There's some folks
who seem to be just timeless.
That age doesn't affect them at all.
One in particular... one that I met...
is Ringo Starr, who's... who just turned 70.
70, and you'd have no fucking idea.
I met him because I was invited to his birthday party
for reasons I will never fucking understand.
He performed that night, and he was unbelievable.
He was astonishing.
And then I went to the party afterwards.
And it was filled with the legends of rock and roll.
Rock and roll is like a religion to me,
so it felt like it was a cathedral,
which is an odd thing for a Jew to say.
But "synagogue of rock and roll"
really doesn't trip off the tongue, does it?
The first concert tour that I ever saw as a kid
was the first concert tour of the United States
taken by the Rolling Stones,
and 12 feet away from me was Keith Richards.
I couldn't believe it,
and so I thought I should talk to him,
but I got five feet away, and he turned,
and he looked like he just broke out of Jurassic Park
I thought he was gonna swoop down
and grab me by the neck
and take me around the room and tear my throat out,
and then would begin a blood-lust that would never end.
They finally said to me,
"Ringo Starr would like to meet you."
And I thought, "Wow."
And I'm not starstruck, but I did try to prepare myself,
and it didn't work.
I went up and shook his hands, and I said,
[garbled speech]
It was like an AT&T conversation.
So the handlers quickly got me out of the room,
and I-I ended up going into another room
as I was trying to leave,
and the only people there were myself,
and I'm looking at a very beautiful blonde,
and next to her is Paul McCartney.
I'm looking at Paul, and he is looking at me,
and then he winked at me.
Now, what do you do when Paul McCartney winks at you?
You wink the fuck back.
You don't think about it, you just...
both eyes.
I went home that... that night, and, uh,
I lay in my bed and I realized that, uh...
maybe I wasn't old.
Because deep, deep in my chest beat the heart
of a 12-year-old girl.
I...
And that night, I menstruated.
It's not as bad as they say.
One of the reasons that I feel that we...
that we age in this country... is because
from the time you're born until the day you die,
you listen to the same arguments over and over
and over and over again.
They never end.
They don't.
Major issues, we bang 'em back-and-forth all the time.
We're a democracy,
and that's what you do.
That's one of the prices we pay for having a democracy,
is to discuss things until our ears bleed.
They even make laws.
That doesn't even bother people.
They continue to go, "That's a bunch of shit.
I'm not gonna... fuck you."
We don't decide much, do we?
We really don't seem to.
We really seem to be just happy arguing,
and you younger members of the audience,
the argument that you're going to listen to your entire life...
and I guarantee it... is the argument over gay marriage.
There are states that already passed the law
and then went, "Oh, we made a mistake,"
and changed it again,
and that will continue until the day you fucking die,
and then you will go wherever it is you go, far, far away,
and even when you're there you will still hear from here.
"That son of a bitch. We're gonna have to do that."
"It's gonna be fucking gay marriage... shit, I can't..."
What the fuck?
One of the major arguments in my lifetime
was the... is the argument that we have over health
and how we take care of ourselves.
It's gone on and on and on.
The reason we're at where we're at
is because, way before I was born,
the decision was made
that because we're a capitalist country,
that, um, health should be seen
as a profit-making institution.
That's the way people saw it.
That's why it's so odd
that we're actually having an argument
over something that was decided long, long ago,
and there's still people who defend that.
Now, I'm not sure that health is...
uh, a profit institution.
It... I'm not sure.
[cheers and applause]
Because... because,
it's what stands between you
and fucking dropping dead!
It's not soy-beans, is it?
It's not fucking, uh, uh, fucking bottled water.
It's not god damn cell phone coverage,
Time Warner shit... it's none of that.
It's your health,
and I know it's not a commodity
because you've never stopped at a red light
and had a crack addict come up to you and go,
"Hey, uh, can I sell you some of my health?"
In the centre of the debate over health care
was one of the...
is the major argument of my lifetime.
It's the most inflammatory argument
that we go through as a people,
and that is the one argument that we have over abortion.
Let me just say as a comic,
nothing... nothing at all gives me as much pleasure
as to say to a group of people
who've come to be entertained,
"Abortion."
I take great joy in it
because I say the word,
and then I hear every anus in the room snap shut.
What a joy...
it just shuts you fuckers up.
Then of course there are those who don't know my comedy
and are going, "Boy, this would be a good time
for him to bring that kazoo out."
And as always, there are people in the room who go,
"You know, he just says the word 'fuck' too much.
Well, after I said the word, you know, "abortion,"
"fuck" seems like a festival, doesn't it?
When I was young... when I was young, um,
you would... you could be pro-abortion or anti-abortion,
and now, 62 years later,
you can be pro-choice or you can be pro-life,
and that is what we've accomplished
during my lifetime.
We've made no decision as to when life begins... none.
Every other civilized country on the planet's done it.
But it's, you know, it's hard for us.
We can't get the names of all the terrorists
to all the airports, so this one... whoo...
is a real brainteaser.
And since we don't know and haven't decided
when life begins,
then, to be honest,
I don't know if I'm really here.
But I do know I've never felt better in my life!
[cheers and applause]
I have some really good news for you.
The economy is turning around.
I know... I can...
you know, you've missed it, haven't you?
You were waiting for your ears to thaw,
and you may have missed it.
But it's true.
I know this, and it should have been...
you know, it should have been, really,
on the front page of the paper, and it wasn't,
and we know that the economy is turning around
because Facebook...
is gonna be worth $50 billion.
Wow, it depresses me that you don't understand
how good that news that I'm bringing to you now.
How do you miss it?
Because if Facebook is gonna be worth $50 billion,
imagine what real shit's gonna be worth.
[cheers and applause]
The reason we know that Facebook is gonna be worth $50 billion...
and if China signs on, it could be worth $200 billion.
How do we know that?
Because the most trusted name in financial institutions,
Goldman Sachs, has told us,
and they're never wrong.
They aren't.
They started the tech bubble, and they made away like bandits,
and then they were deeply involved
in that mortgage bubble,
and they sold shitty mortgages
and realized finally that the mortgages they were selling
were so shitty that they would bet against the people
that they fucking sold the mortgages to
and make even more money,
and now they thought, "Wow,"
"let's go back to the tech bubble again
"because Americans can't remember the first one
'cause we fucked 'em with the second one."
[cheers and applause]
You know, it's interesting, uh...
you know, if Facebook is going to be worth $200 billion,
wouldn't you want to have some stock in it?
Of course you would.
Why wouldn't you?
If it were a guarantee, you'd be right there.
But you know what?
You can't.
You fucking can't.
I can't either.
Only certain people,
secret people,
people who... who are very friendly
with the folks at Goldman Sachs, who have a key to the elevator,
people who are so fucking rich
that if I say their name,
this will turn into a snuff film.
$200 billion.
Facebook. $200 billion?
So that I can read that,
"Well, Janet had a little problem today.
"You know, she got to work, and boy, oh, boy,
"the boss was really angry, and then
"she had a touch of diarrhoea coming on,
"and the Maalox didn't work,
"and she's not sure if it's something she ate
"or a stomach virus of some sort,
"and now she's not gonna make it to karaoke,
"and she practised all week,
frowny-face, frowny-face, frowny-face."
[cheers and applause]
If... if it's really going to be worth $200 billion,
then I believe that my penis
is worth at least $10 million.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because I can take it out.
I can show it to you.
It does things.
You can touch it.
And if I could tie it in a knot, it'd be worth $15 million,
and I wouldn't have to do this shit for a living.
I'd just take it out...
Uh...yah! Ta-da!
And then, as an encore,
I'd put a kazoo in its little mouth,
and it would play a tune for you.
[cheers and applause]
I have to, um, exp... take a moment
to explain something to folks in the audience,
because I know, chances are there's a number of you
who don't know what FarmVille is.
If you didn't know what an application is,
FarmVille is like... whoo... from another planet.
On Facebook, you can actually create
your own cartoon farm.
How amazing is that?
And wouldn't you want to do it, given the chance?
Cartoon chickens and cartoon geese,
and you grow crops, you know... green beans, whatever...
tomatoes, whatever you like.
Whatever you like.
No pot! Don't fucking grow pot!
You have a little farm and a little farmhouse
and a barn and everything, and it's quite wonderful.
I didn't even know about it until a friend of mine
sent me a couple of cartoon ducks.
I said, "What the fuck is this about?
Can I eat them?"
So people do this
because, really, everybody's always dreamed
of having a fake farm,
and I want you to remember to breathe
as I make the next statement.
There are people who
make a living... and I know one...
by... by helping people
who have a farm on FarmVille.
They take care of it
because these people don't have time to do it themselves.
Makes you rethink farm subsidies, doesn't it?
I don't like telling folks
what to do with their discretionary income,
but occasionally, you have to be the adult and say,
"Uh, no!
"I don't think you know what you're doing here.
"You're having another human being
"tend to an imaginary farm!
"You're having them take care of something
that's inside your head."
I don't...
I don't know if the Democrats or the Republicans
really know how to deal with the economy at all.
But, um...
it's amazing that the... this new party,
the Tea Party, believes that it does.
I've waited my whole life
for there to be a third party.
I've been totally intolerant for quite some time
of both Democrats and Republicans,
but now the third party shows up,
and this is what I fucking got?
[cheers and applause]
Be careful what you wish for.
I was attracted to them at first.
They're a lot like me.
They're angry.
Anybody knows anger, it's fucking moi.
And...
they're crazy.
I'm fucking crazy,
and we're angry and we're crazy for exactly the same reason:
Because the Democrats make us angry,
and the Republicans make us crazy.
Or switch it around if you wish.
Whatever makes you fucking laugh.
It's... it's extraordinary.
They, um...
that they have convinced a group of people
to bust out of their double-wides..
Yes. Yeah.
I'd put video on this cube if I could fucking show you.
Busting out of their double-wides
dressed as Ben Franklin,
holding a kite in one hand and a key in the other,
screaming, "Don't tax the rich!"
if you... if a group of people...
leaders... can convince a group of folks
who barely have a pot to piss in
that the rich shouldn't be taxed,
that is leadership.
[cheers and applause]
These... these are leaders
who... who live in the past
and yet want to decide
what we do in the future.
That...
that doesn't even make for a good movie.
You've got... you've got one of the gems here.
What's... no, you do, don't you?
Michele Bachmann's certainly giving you some amazing press.
[boos and scattered applause]
America won't hear it.
Not that many people are gonna watch that special.
Could be too little, too late.
I'd talk about her, but after a paragraph or so,
I begin to have seizures.
[cheers and applause]
Then, of course, there was Christine O'Donnell.
She's the one who was nominated
to be the Republican candidate
for the Senate from Delaware,
and that was the best Delaware could do.
Can you imagine?
When a state...
I just said, that's when you strip them of their statehood.
I wish they'd nominated a Wallaby.
Yeah, a little kangaroo would've been fun to watch on C-SPAN
just to see where the critter took a shit.
She said...
announced that she had not masturbated in 13 years.
Holy fuck.
Isn't that something you keep a secret?
Or was she so crazy from not masturbating
she just blurted it out?
I tell you.
If I didn't masturbate for 13 hours,
my hands would try to choke me to death.
Because my hands love me that much.
I would accept Sarah Palin
running for the presidency of the United States
if she ran from FarmVille.
[cheers and applause]
I think that would be absolutely splendid.
An advertisement with her... she's completely there,
and there's cartoon ducks and geese and, you know,
there's rows of corn and all sorts of shit.
She's got a magnificent home and a beautiful barn,
and Bristol would be standing there
with an "abstinence only" T-shirt.
Trig, of course, would be there
because he's the first baby ever named after maths.
And...
if you didn't get... laugh at that...
then you didn't get who the joke was directed at, asshole.
And then, then you'd see in the sky,
helicopters strafing the elderly,
and she'd point out to us where Russian FarmVille was.
And then...
she would go down to the river... babbling brook...
and pull from it one fish,
and she would say,
"This is one fish,
and now there are 20 fish."
And then she would go inside
and go to the oven
and pull from it a loaf of bread,
and she would say,
"This is one loaf, and now there are 20."
And that, she would say, is her economic policy.
I still wouldn't vote for her.
But I have to say...
I'd poke her.
It's been a pleasure. You guys have been terrific.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat jazz music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
I'd just like to thank all the folks on the crew...
the whole crew that works... that comes out here,
and my producers... I told them literally eight weeks ago
I wanted to do this,
and they're like, "No problem."
Fucking, they're... I'm glad they're nuts,
but what I'm standing in front of...
and you're not gonna believe this.
My father, at the age of 66, became a painter,
and he's 93 now.
So when people tell you, you know...
if you're like 27 and say, "I can't change careers,"
fuck you.
And so this is a painting of his
that we basically blew up for the stage
to use as a set.
[cheers and applause]
What's really interesting about his career as a painter
is that he painted until he was 83,
and he, said he...
I said, you know, 'cause when I'd go home
he'd show me his stuff, and he didn't have anything.
I said, "What... what's going on?"
And he goes, "you know"...
and I don't believe there's a painter in history
who's ever said this...
"I ran out of ideas."
It's tough, with my mother being here.
She's actually hired two lawyers
because I'm not paying my father,
and she's suing me for this,
and I'm gonna guarantee you this too:
If Michele Bachmann
runs for the presidency of this country,
I'm running my mother.
It's been a pleasure.
You guys were exceptional.
[cheers and applause]